Wait Up: When Your Calling is Right at Your Fingertips

About a month ago, I had the opportunity to revisit Disney World. It had been over a decade since I had inhaled the same oxygen as Princess Aurora and puked all over my mother after riding the teacups. The night before the trip, I sat wide-eyed and ecstatic knowing within a few hours, I would be able to relive my childhood and scamper around an amusement park full of princesses, glitter, and happiness. In these moments of expectation, it is often hard to devote the time necessary to prepare. After exactly 2½ hours of sleep and several syrupy caffeinated beverages, I found myself wondering the park. A few hours later, I quickly regretted all the late night enthusiasm, now left at the mercy of heat and social exhaustion.

Even as adults, there are moments in life where we understand an overall idea of what is to come. For many of my friends right now, that thrill is wrapped in babies and weddings (Congrats, by the way!). For others it is a calling towards a specific education, career, or even ministry. So the big question is, when something is so close you can almost touch it do you lie awake in anticipation or reach out and take it?

Luke 15: 11-24, NIV:

Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

We live in a world of instant gratification. Need affirmation? Post a photo on Instagram. Just got out of a relationship? Just swipe left. Hungry? Go through a drive-thru.

It doesn’t take much to provide any degree of satisfaction anymore; it’s all “available”.

So within a season of waiting, an increase of patience if you will, how on earth do we handle it?

In the parable, there are a few pieces that elaborate on seasons, waiting, patience and all that good stuff:

1. “Give me”
2. Set off
3. After
4. Go back
5. Celebrate

In this story, the son is aware there is a portion of money he will receive. He does not inquire of his father and ask if it is okay for him to receive it now. He, in essence, demands it, without hesitation his father hands it to him, the son then takes his inheritance and leaves. After he is finally at the lowest point in his life (literally starving and resorting to eating food from the pig’s dish-thing), he recognizes he can return to his father as a servant and beg for forgivingness. But on his way back, the father sees him coming and the story concludes with a celebration of his return.

Okay, so a lot to digest here.

While there are many parts in life seasons of waiting speak to, let’s focus on a calling to ministry.

About a month ago, I felt the Lord calling me to use my studies, not for a personal vendetta of recognition, but to serve within middle and high school ministry. Immediately, I rushed to find an opportunity in a local church. I mean, God called me so better pack up and go right? Ummm, not exactly.

My sweet roommate shared her story of a calling towards international missions about 14 years ago. In the mean time, her mission field has been established within the states and every attempt at pursuing global work has resulted in a closed door.

These stories are more common then you think. When I felt God call me to work with teenagers, and I watched at the door slammed in front of my face, I truly did question if I was loosing my mind or if I had actually heard God to begin with. It seems like in services when someone is called to something it’s typically a “Go now” response. So when we, “go now”, how is it this doesn’t always work out?

Within a college study on 1 and 2 Samuel we have focused on the life of David. One of the key components to his success resided in him inquiring of God. When the answers and calling seemed obvious, he still asked. But when he (ultimately had good intentions) assumed what God wanted to be done [See 2 Samuel 6] it brought along extreme distress. Just like the son and his “go now” mentality, while it may seem appropriate in the moment (Oh! I’ll just do this now because I’m young and God loves young people, or God said I’m going to do this so I’m just gonna jump in and He will provide) “now” is sometimes not the best decision. Not saying, God can’t provide in these times, just hang on for a moment.

If we were to swap the “Go now” attitude with it’s counter it would look something like, “Wait up”.

Do you ever wonder what things would look like if you had just waited a second? Perhaps you pulled your brownies out of the oven a few minutes before they were completely done, or you enrolled in the first university acceptance you received in the mail before checking to see if anything else came in—whatever it is. Do you ever wonder?

When you’re called to ministry, I think of it almost like God is giving you a sneak peak of your life-blueprint. Whether service is near the end of the page or smack down in the middle, He has given you something to anticipate, something to get excited over. In our rush to “go now”, much like kids (and adults) staying awake the night before going to Disney, you may not inquire of God since the answer is ‘clear’ and you will end up exhausted and unprepared.

Here’s the big idea. When you’re called, but God tells you to “wait up” He’s not saying, “never mind”. In a season of waiting there’s a time for rest and preparation. Whether it’s like David and it’s moving the Chest of God without fully understanding the precautions necessary for transport, or today in international missions, the season is not in vain.

It’s easy to think that when you’re not moving forward, you’re not moving at all. But the cool thing about God is He’s always moving, even when we can’t see it. A season of waiting is a moment for Him to prepare you, your heart, your mind, your soul, your strength, for what is to come.

In verse 24 of the parable, it reads there is a celebration that occurs after his return. I love that throughout all the misery this poor guy endured there is that glimpse of redemption and blessings that poor out. At the end of the day, God just wants to bless you. He’s a really really good dad. He does not sit up in heaven and say, “Hey, you see that guy down there? Yeah, make him miserable. I’m bored up here with all the harps and stuff”. Yeah, no. Doesn’t work that way. Think of waiting and/or testing as constructive criticism: there is potential in you!

Fun fact. If you want to know more, think of this. God is the definition of love. What is the first part of 1 Corinthians 13:4? “Love is patient”.

Season of waiting? Season of patience and transformation.

Transformation how? Patience.

Patience is what? God.

So what is happening exactly?

He’s molding you more and more like Him…every…single…day. Pretty cool, huh?

In this season of waiting, I’m not going to lie. I’m anticipating. I get excited thinking of what’s going to happen within a few months or even a year. But here’s the thing. If you’re so fixated on what’s to come, you miss what’s happening now. And what’s happening now is SO IMPORTANT. You’re literally getting ready to go do whatever it is you’re supposed to do. So don’t take this lightly! Immerse yourself in this moment. Grab your Bible, sift through your contact list and stay in constant communication with those who encourage you in this time, listen to what God is saying. Even if it seems so blatantly obvious, inquire of Him first. Don’t miss something important before you move.

He’s not saying “don’t go”, He’s asking you to “wait up”.

Peace with the Pieces

If you’ve ever asked Siri for directions, whether it’s to the new Trader Joes smack down in the middle of retirement county or you’re taking a road trip from the East Coast straight to Cali, odds are you will be one of two people. Option 1, when your Australian programed iPhone offers an alternate route detouring from the car accident you cannot see ahead, you follow. Option 2, you can’t see it and traffic seems to be fine so you keep going straight and end up stuck for an additional hour (because apparently everyone seems to forget they have a gas peddle when passing a couple of cars with hardly a scratch).

As a kid, I found a short cut so I could sit on the roof when I had nothing to do, or I really just wanted to show off at our family functions. I would hop up on our shed and execute some potential James Bond stunt across a nice 20-foot fall extending from one roof to the other. After about 10 minutes of running around on top of my dad’s new shingles, my mom would walk out back and immediately shout “Excuse me! What do you think you’re doing?!” Climbing a roof, naturally. The pinnacle of every childhood adventure, obviously.

In our lives we have what I like to call “Rerouting Opportunities” and “Excuse Me?” moments.

Imagine your life is like a GPS. Whatever your beliefs, you have an ultimate destination. Now, following whatever path you choose to take, you will (guaranteed) have an option to redirect yourself to hop back on the path ahead of you, or you can change it—but that’s a talk for another time. This does not mean you will never end up on the sandy shores of California, it just means there is another way for you to get there. And most of the time, at least once in our life, we can be like my mother. We can look at a situation, however high up it may seem, and all we can say is “Excuse me?”.

Recently, I applied for a job I was certain God had provided. Everything fell into place. I drove from (very South) Florida, all the way to Virginia Beach to ensure I got this position. After walking out of the interview, it was almost clear—God provided, I got it. So…about that… Not only had I (a) not received the job, but I (b) was so heartbroken because I thought this was it! I followed the GPS exactly this should be it! Right? Nope.

God has an interesting way in speaking to me. 99.9% of the time, He responds with a question. In the Bible we can see this in Luke 9 when Peter answers who Jesus is:

Once when Jesus was praying in private and His disciples were with Him, He asked them, “Who do the crowds say I am?”

They replied, “some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, say one of the of the prophets of long ago has come back to life.”

“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

Peter answered, “God’s Messiah.” –Luke 9:18-20 NIV

 

I absolutely love these verses. Why? Because Jesus is the Son of God. He literally is the answer to His own question. “Who do the crowds say I am?” is so incredibly important.

When I was probably about 7 years old, my dad took me to a father daughter dance. My mother did my hair and let me wear her lipstick. Oh! And my dress! This bright yellow princess ball gown absolutely made for twirling in…yes, to die for. When I finished fussing and put on my shoes, I walked out the door to see my father. As a little girl a common question you ask your dad is, “how do I look?” While you know your mother spent hours getting you to look your best, there is something about verbal affirmation that goes beyond an understood, “you look nice”. I knew he would like my dress, he told me before. But I still wanted to ask him. Why? Because I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted to feel loved.

In Luke 9 Jesus asks the ultimate question, something we all have to answer at some point. First He asks about the crowds. Why? He knows who He is, it’s almost like he is helping them understand that the disciples’ beliefs are different than the rest. As Christians, we are! In Luke 10 He tells us to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. What is a common expression of love (other than actions)? Simply saying it.

“Who do you say I am?”

“God’s Messiah.”

 

He knows the answer; He just wants to hear it.

So quick U-turn back onto the topic at hand…questions! Lots and lots of questions! If you take a moment to read a few passages in the Bible you’ll see, often times God answers with another question and hears our response. Within my studies, He answers the same way, while I dig into His Word. One of the greatest things I have been asked for the past 2 months or so, has been “Are you still going to go?”.

This question is hard. Why? Because in the process of asking that 6 word question, He’s redirecting me. He’s not changing the destination; He’s changing my heart. But all while this fun little scenic route goes in full throttle, I’m looking to him saying, “Excuse me?” See, in my head I’m thinking: I thought I was following your plan, you confirmed it. What are you doing?

For almost a year, He has continued to send me to a particular highlighted portion of my Bible:

Now God has us where He wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving all His idea, and all His work. All we do is trust him enough to let Him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join Him in the work He does, the good work He has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing. –Ephesians 2: 7-10 MSG

 

So here’s the deal, in the midst of all this chaos and scenic detours and so forth, we have to know, if we are following God’s voice, we are exactly where He wants us. We are not supposed to be the driver during this trip, God is! My devotional from a few weeks ago read:

The sin-nature in people prompts them to act as if they are God—trying to control everything, judging Me when circumstances don’t go as they’d like. Remembering you are not God helps you live in freedom. You don’t take responsibility for matters that are beyond your control—which includes most matters. If you let go of everything that is not your responsibility, you are freed from carrying unnecessary burdens…pray about all your concerns, trusting in My sovereignty. –Jesus Always, pg. 157

 

The cool thing about God is, we’re not in charge. When you’re caught in a situation like not receiving a job you were supposed to have, family/friend/romantic relationships, future plans or school, rest easy! Because, guess what? If you’re following God, and He’s driving, you have nothing to worry about. You’ll get to your destination. We are called to TRUST in His sovereignty. Something I love is looking up words in a thesaurus. If you look up sovereignty two words come up: dominion and independence. Under dominion…is control. Under independence…is freedom. We have absolute 100% faith that God is not only in control, but He will provide that freedom within that surrender of pride and fear and anxiety. He’ll trade all of that.

If I can leave readers with anything, is that is okay to have those “Excuse me?” moments. Why? That means you’re listening and you’re paying attention. Cool story…my mom wouldn’t have been able to ask me what the heck I was doing had she (a) not noticed I was missing and (b) not have known where to look. Same thing happens with us. When you ask God that question, you notice something is different. In the same way, if you’re asking the question, you know where to find Him.

So regardless of whatever situation you’re confused about, rest in the fact that God’s in control. But also be aware that His answers, may not always be what you want to hear. Don’t tune into His voice just to hear the response you may want. You may miss what He’s actually trying to say. Or, you may miss the question He’s asking you it could be “Are you truly listening?”, “How much are you willing to give me?”, “Will you still go if I call you?”, or “Be still, I’m in control.”

The cool thing about this walk with God, is we are secure in our destination. We know where we’re going. Better yet! We’re not driving with a stranger! We know the love and character, grace and heart of our Lord—we know His voice. So if you’re by-passing an accident you’re unaware of you have Peace that it will be okay. A small clip of a service from Elevation Church showed the pastor with a Lego set. There was a picture and a ton of pieces. Sometimes we are shown a glimpse of something. Not because we serve a cruel God but because we’re human and sometimes we need to be certain of what’s going on. You don’t go skydiving without looking out the window first to see if you’re headed for green land or blue water. He’ll give us a glimpse of something we are supposed to do and then He’ll hand us the pieces. Maybe the timing isn’t right for the whole picture just yet, but you can have Peace that your pieces will work.

And in time it will become the picture.

Then Jesus went to work on His disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t fun from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?” –Matthew 16:24-26 MSG

 

Journal Entries: Better Fake than Sorry.

Fake hair. Fake pictures. Fake personality.

Glitz and glamour of Hollywood oozes its way into seemingly unsuspecting minds, further plaguing targets with smokescreens and dripping with goops of concealer practically reeking of materialism. Unfortunately this epidemic is not simply limited to the walls and confinement of decoys and lights, but it slips between the cracks of dissected relationships particularly within churches.

Growing up raised on a hearty appetite of kale and tofu before senior girls and movie stars deemed it “cool” my parents strongly emphasized the concept of health. Beyond that, spiritual “health” received a particular spotlight, as both of my Christian parents emphasized the importance of following after God.

It is said the mind of a child is like clay. However, I beg to differ. I think it is equivalent to an extremely overgrown weed, progressively being cut and tended to by others—it undergoes a pruning process. As a child, you are constantly absorbing things from your environment. One can further debate the nature versus nurture dispute, but there are qualities of your environment that continue to help “prune” the growing child.

While attempting to stomach Kale and memorize Sunday school verses, I watched many adults in and outside of our growing campus. Furthering into college I noticed a particularly stupid enduring trend that continues to bother me today—inauthenticity. While the dense and brainless concept may one day thrive on a bestseller list, become a Hollywood film with some vampires and overly masculine boys desperately needing to use the belt I am certain their grandmothers gift every Christmas, these teen fiction worthy, thickheaded facades are by far the most fatuous trend of the entire century.

I do not think anything has ever truly bothered me so much in my entire life.

The most upsetting thing, is watching this occur within a church. Placing beliefs aside, there always appears to be some negative cloud looming above any concept of religion—predominately concentrated around Christian beliefs. For the longest time I could not wrap my head around why. How is it the followers of, Jesus, the man who was the literal cut-to-the-chase-dictionary-definition of love, are so predominately hated and despised. The most common complaint? We are liars.

NEWS FLASH!!!

We are.

Not going to lie. It’s pathetic.

While Jesus is/was/and will forever be the definition and display of love, He was also perfection. I think as Christians, we try so hard to imitate that perfection; we forget to embrace the love. Within that whole sorry attempt to be the cookie cutter, white picket fence family, the love appears almost as sorry as the rapidly dissolving disguise.

Testimonies now suit a platform calling out sins of others, emphasizing the need to “confess” and “repent” versus showing a transformation into a new growing life thriving from the love and grace Jesus provided. I have watched as these inauthentic individuals boldface lie when you ask if they are okay.

NEWS FLASH!!!

It’s okay to not be okay.

As a Christian, you are not called to be perfect. You’re human. We’re human. Mistakes are a thing—okay? But you cannot continue to reach others and connect on a level of spirituality, maturity, and growth if you refuse to accept the fact perfection is unattainable and your honesty is where God can further shine.

This idea of perfection does not shine the spotlight where it deserves to be shown. Instead of it becoming a testimony through God, it is all about you.

If anything, church is a place where people can come as they are. In sweatpants. Crying. Laughing. Pregnant. Whatever. Come as you are. It is not a place of pathetically outlined perceptions of perfection clearly impossible in our day today. Sorry. You’re not perfect but that’s okay.

Let people see your heart and who you truly are inside. Do not continue to try to be someone you’re not. And more importantly, stop instigating this especially within church. If you want to reach someone, go as you are and be who you are. Because, at the end of the day, it is not about you it’s about God.

Journal Excerpts: (un)Forgivable

On nights like tonight, I find that despite the varying levels of coffee intake or relentless determination to complete any remaining tasks for the day, distractions and lingering thoughts are indeed inevitable. Per usual, the only solution is to surrender to the desire of placing thoughts into words and words onto paper, in an attempt to relieve the impending intensifying heaviness of thoughts hindering the extension of needed capacity for functioning.

Lately, I have fixated on the concept of forgiveness. More importantly, what do we in society and in our personal lives, deem forgivable and what is not?

I believe that despite any variations in regards to religion or personal belief, there is a quality of human nature that desperately grasps onto the concept of justice. Even convicted felons have, in their own way, a twisted reality and definition of this term; however, it still exists. I believe that we may refuse to display, receive, or extend forgiveness for the sake of being taken advantage of and allowing the opportunity for the said-behavior to be considered acceptable.

This is completely normal. In fact, this strive for some degree of “justice” is what keeps our moral compass—to some degree, intact. But at the same time, I believe there are many behaviors that call for forgiveness, yet require an implication for change.

Throughout the study of psychology we refer to a sort of “framework of thinking”, as a schema. Within our personal experience, we continue to take in information from our interactions and experiences and eventually that begins to shape and mold how we engage with others and view our world. With the recent celebration of Valentine’s Day, the topic of cheating has continued to arise within the social media and basic social platforms. For personal and hurtful instances such as these it is almost an unconscious reaction to utilize that experience in respect to the next one. It is regarded as “protecting ourselves” and “learning from mistakes”.

But how often do we take a situation (regardless of what it is) that has negatively affected our lives, and implicated the consequences of those actions upon someone undeserving? More importantly, how many times have we forgiven someone who, according to the rest of the general society, did not deserve it?

I believe forgiveness is not only a sign of maturity but it is a solid condition and reflection of the heart of the individual. It requires a vast quantity of humility and often causes us to go beyond our comfort zone of “owning the right to be upset” and continuing to move forward.

Holding onto hate and bitterness is the equivalent of standing in front of the person who has done you wrong, while you drink a bottle of poison and wait for the other to fall. It doesn’t work that way.

Forgiving does not imply an acceptance of the behavior. Rather an acceptance for the wellbeing and overall respect for the other individual as well as yourself.

Don’t get me wrong there are certain times in life where you may deserve an apology, but you will not get one. There comes a point in your life where you will again come face to face with that same door and you will need to accept the apology you never received. That is okay.

For the sake of realism it is important to address: life is not fair. Although sometimes it may appear that justice is simply a fabricated idea to simply provide some sort of religious or ethical relief, it is not always left in our hands to decide the measure and the timing that fairness takes place.

It is our responsibility as growing and maturing adults to continue to build upon our experiences and learn that there may come a point in time where something simply does not go according to plan. But your reaction and your solution to either respect and move forward, or lash out and fall victim to a simple clutch to pride, is what allows you to flourish and set an example for those around you.

It does not come easy and it does not come instantly. Like other things in life, it is a choice you must make. You may forgive someone and in the same breath come to the conclusion you are stronger apart from one another. It is critical to remember that your personal wellbeing maintains the upmost priority and it is okay to walk away and care for someone from afar.

But, again, forgiveness does not imply tolerance or acceptance of a behavior.

However, forgiveness is a choice.

You cannot drink the poison and expect the other to fall.

Journal Entry: Selfish Senseless Satisfaction

The dictionary describes the word beautiful as, “possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about etc.; delighting the senses or mind: excellent of its kind: wonderful, very pleasing or satisfying”.

As a little girl, I remember the moment very clearly… the morning my mother curled my hair for church and let me wear my favorite dress. My dad called me beautiful.

As I grew older, I remember the moment at our family reunion… I put on my bright pink nail polish and lip-gloss and walked downstairs. My grandfather called me pretty—andddddddd ask if I had broken any hearts yet (haha).

As I entered college, I remember the moment I lathered my lashes in mascara, brushed the bright peach blush across my cheeks, and walked to my building on campus. The boy sitting on the bench called me hot.

Living in a society beaming with beautiful actresses, models, classmates, and even strangers, it’s hard to feel like you possess any qualities that truly distinguish you from the other girl sitting next to you. I often fall victim to spending hours on social media creating mental notes of other women and what makes them so desirable to the rest of the population. Is it their hair color, makeup, clothes, sense of humor—even their puppy in the background?

As I’ve gotten older, and social media become a more dominant role in our society, I’ve sat and watched as many men pursue specific girls based solely off their appearance alone. If I’m being honest, it not only causes a feeling of being objectified, but almost degraded.

I have had someone I considered to be a genuine person in my life, reveal their only intention behind ever speaking with me to begin with, was based off of my appearance.

Guys I had previously dated, shared they only initiated conversation because of a selfie they saw on Instagram or Facebook.

Even girls, have become active in this petty, materialistic bandwagon and expressed they only become friends with the “pretty girls”. Female friends in highschool spent hours lecturing me on how we were unable to hang out if I did not do my hair and makeup on a daily basis.

Excuse me—but, what?!

We live in a world full of entitlement and satisfaction. In psychology there is a term called instant-gratification. It is rooted in the idea of experiencing pleasure immediately. I often describe this as a toddler wanting candy before naptime. It is not good for him, but he wants it and he wants it right now.

Not only is this completely unhealthy (toddler’s getting candy before sleep and entitlement) but it creates this weird mentality that you have to have something—or maybe even be something, at this exact moment.

I believe this goes way beyond our hierarchy of needs and into personal aspects of life. Maybe it is oftentimes to the point where, in the event you do not appear a certain way or uphold a specific standard (right now), you will be an outcast and considered undesirable.

A quote I absolutely love reads:

It is foolish to wish for beauty. Sensible people never either desire it for themselves or care about it in others. If the mind be but well cultivated, and the heart well disposed, no one ever cares for the exterior.

-Anne Bronte, Agnes Grey

It is so critical to remember there is more to each person male and female, than outward appearance. If you take a moment to simply sit and observe you will notice true beauty (as cliché as this may sound) comes from the condition of one’s heart, and the beauty of their mind.

I mean think about it.

You can have everything in the world; nice hair, 6 pack… whole 9 yards, but if you do not treat the others around you with genuine love and compassion, do you really have anything at all? I mean, sure you probably have a few “friends” like I did in highschool, and maybe a “boyfriend” who only slid in your DMs because he thought your selfie was worth a fire emoji; but come on.

All of this: instant gratification, materialistic things, appearance; they all have one thing in common.

They are all temporary.

It is so important to remember, in a world full of easily accessible indulgences, to not waste time investing in temporary things. Yea, hit the gym. Keep up that resolution for 2017 and put the fries down or whatever. But spend time cultivating those qualities that make you truly desirable. Take time investing on the people around you, devoting time to things you are passionate about, and the rest will follow.

At the same time, take time to view those around you, in a different light. There are more to people then how they look. Take a moment to sit and listen to all the thoughts and stories running through their head. Fall in love with someone for the beauty of their heart and mind—not just how they appear. Because, trust me, we won’t look the same in 40 years.

My Regent Story: Learning to Let Go.

Why Virginia Beach?

 

January 3, 2016 my abrupt move north became shockingly permanent and surreal. 373 days later and I continue to be asked the same question, why here?

My first week on campus I felt completely alone. No one had known I moved in on campus. The few faces regularly passed within the halls, assumed I was simply a friend visiting the girls on the 3^rd floor quad.

Two weeks into hiding away in my square shaped bedroom with what little belongings I had in a small duffle bag, I couldn’t even begin to process the wave of emotions that carried with a new environment.

I lived in South Florida for as long as I could remember, had the same bedroom since the age of 7, I am the only child to two extremely overprotective parents, a daughter to a police officer—sheltered and shocked was beyond an understatement. Now here I was, a college student, in a state I had only visited for a handful of days, snow (which might I add, was a –physical shock, in and of itself), at a new school where I was too afraid to even ask someone where the restrooms were, and absolutely no friends.

 

So again, why Virginia Beach?

 

At the age of eighteen I entered my first relationship. I had gone until my entire (legal) adulthood life with 1) no boyfriend, which you can guess meant 2) no first kiss. Throughout high school I was continuously addressed as the “pretty prude girl”. In all reality, I just wanted a relationship… my first kiss… my first boyfriend… to all mean something. I didn’t want to tell stories like my friends had shared—stories full of embarrassing moments and regret. So instead of rushing to the first boy that said I had pretty eyes or a nice smile, I waited.

 

One day I met him. He seemed like the ultimate guy. He said was a Christian, our mom’s were close friends, he loved his family, had a passion for music. Total package. I quickly realized that it was all one giant façade. But I couldn’t turn away. I convinced myself, I waited so long for a relationship, something special, it was too late to turn back now. So I stayed.

 

Years later, after nearly a dozen panic attacks daily, endless tears, pressure causing so much physical stress I stopped eating and lost over 15pounds within a month and a half… we broke up. It was Christmas Day.

 

People asked me how I was feeling every 5 minutes. I sat in a puddle of tears. Crying, but I was numb. How could someone I loved so much, waited so long for, hurt me in the ways he did?

 

Too often have I heard stories similar to mine, where one incredible heartbreak goes beyond a temporary wound, but begins to completely change and destroy the individual. Sadly, I had fallen into the same trap. But I want to share my story. As painful and embarrassing as it is to admit, I want to show that there is power and growth in facing these aching moments in life. They are learning experiences that, when taken the right way, can impact you in a positive light.

 

On campus I often joke, I ended up here solely out of spontaneous curiosity. Story goes: I was visiting my aunt and uncle nearby for a few days, placed an application to RU, was accepted, so why not just stay? Adventure, right? But honestly, it was only partially true, it wasn’t my decision at all.

After the break-up, I placed my application strictly out of spite. I had no intentions of truly staying here. I didn’t expect much. Rumor had it this university took weeks to process an application, even longer to evaluate transcripts, and had a record for turning down even the brightest students.

 

Within hours of submission, my parents received news of my acceptance, and after hearing threats made by individuals back home, they made the biggest executive decision possible: send me away in hopes that maybe distance would help me heal and keep me safe. My initially planned 5 day trip to Virginia Beach, turned permanent. When i first left home, I did not know it would be 6 months before I would ever step foot in my bedroom again. My mother watched on Face Time as I cried and pleaded to come home. Instead of cave into my wishes, she calmly placed my favorite t-shirts and some socks in a duffle bag and told me she loved me.

 

I remember screaming on the phone begging just to come home. My application was a mistake. I yelled at my dad “I HATE YOU I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER LET ME GO HOME” and he just sat on the other line and said, “I love you but you’re staying”.

 

As much as I wanted to curl up on our family sofa and slip slowly back into my depression, they were right. I didn’t need to go back home and be comfortable. I needed to heal. But that wasn’t what I had planned when I left my unmade bed and pile of laundry on my bedroom floor.

 

During that time apart, I sat and watched, as I was 100% degraded all over social media. While I lay in bed, 16 hours away, my reputation and my overall self-worth was being torn to shreds. When returning home, every hurtful word, every hurtful action, was directly to my face.

 

It completely broke me.

 

Within the past year I have allowed myself to be mentally, emotionally, and physically abused. I naively had allowed this boy back into my life despite the pain he caused. That summer, I ran to another relationship because according to the Internet and nearly 99.999% of the people I came in contact with, told me “all I needed was a rebound”. But I quickly allowed this new boy to hurt me too. Except this time I kept it a secret. I was embarrassed. I had messed up twice. I thought I was supposed to have this relationship stuff right. I clearly didn’t. So ultimately, it didn’t work.

 

The end of 2016, I finally received complete and total closure. I learned the terrible, horrible, ugly truth I so blatantly turned a blind eye to because I was convinced that this twisted “love” I had shared with my first boyfriend, meant I had to stay no matter what. In that giant mess, I lost close friends as well.

 

But I found closure.

 

I’m deciding to write and share this because I know there is freedom and peace found in honesty and being completely open and vulnerable. Deep down I know someone reading this feels the same way I did.

 

Get this, you don’t have to stay broken. You don’t have to let these people have a stronghold on your life. You don’t have to let them win.

 

I learned, love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Infatuation is a feeling and it is temporary. One day you will wake up, and if we’re being real—you may straight up hate the guts out of the person you are with. But you choose to love them regardless of whatever conflict you may be going through. But it is a choice.

 

This entire experience has taught me, everything (even the things you would never wish upon your worst enemy) happens for a specific reason. Every person you meet impacts your life one way or another. I am a strong believer that all these painful things in life happen to make you a stronger person, so one day you can be a voice to help others going through the same (or similar) situations.

 

I ended up in Virginia Beach by some crazy plan that is far greater than whatever elementary school crap I had set out for my life to accomplish by the age of 20.

I ended up in a relationship to understand and learn the importance and value of what love truly is—and isn’t.

I ended up loosing “friends” so I could take a step back and recognize who truly has my best interests at heart—and who doesn’t.

 

And while I cried 80% of the 16hr drive back here yesterday, I know I ended up back in Virginia Beach, one last time, to finally come face to face with these past 373 days. Not to ever wish I could be with that boy again. Not to reminisce over lost friendships. Not to come to college, switch my major to engineering, invent the first time machine, and do it over again.

 

No.

 

I’m here to look straight at every single fear, every single problem, every single obstacle, and use that as a driving force to accomplish what I had set my mind to and make the people I truly care about most, proud.

 

And if you’re anything like me, maybe you ended up somewhere you never thought you would be, just know it’s okay to let go. Let it completely go.

 

I believe 2017 is going to be a year absolutely full of beauty, love, and encouragement. It is time to stop focusing, remembering, reminiscing on things you simply can’t change and focus on what you can. Focus on all the blessings and all the individuals in your life who want nothing more than the absolute best for you.

 

But it’s also time to stop punishing yourself; it’s time to want the best for you.

 

So whatever you’re going through, just let it go. Write it all down on a piece of paper and literally burn it. This is not a metaphor. Seriously, go do it, it’s actually quite therapeutic.

 

And make 2017 a complete and total fresh start.

Let all the

hurt,

bitterness,

anger,

frustration,

pain,

empty friendships,

broken relationships,

anything that is holding you back,

 

just let it all go.

 

Be honest with yourself about how you feel. Yes, it is completely okay to feel hurt, confused, and upset. But don’t let that run your life and begin changing how you give/receive love and treat those around you—and yourself.

 

If you’re hurt from a past relationship, don’t use that as a weight holding you back from accepting the love you deserve simply because you’re afraid.

 

If you’re hurt from a past friendship, don’t let that hold you back from opening up and reaching out to new people.

 

Even the most horrible experiences you think you will never be able to move past, can be the most encouraging moments in your life. Yes, the pain goes away with time. Believe it or not you can grow from it. You are where you are because, for whatever reason, you are supposed to be there. Make the best out of it. Use it all to motivate you. Channel all that energy towards an end goal, and don’t let it hold you back.

So take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

Why I Do Not Agree With Black Lives Matter

Words mean things.

 

Plain and simple. Behind every phrase someone speaks, types, reads, there is intention behind it. One simply does not say something, just because they can, there is a cause and an end goal behind it.

 

With this in mind, the familiar phrase Actions Speak Louder Than Words, extends along with it.

 

After the devastating loss of the officers in Dallas, social media platforms (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, even Snapchat) catapulted into a frenzy. Protestors sharing #BlackLivesMatter and those supporting our men and women in blue, continue to collide with hundreds—no, THOUSANDS of opinions flying sky-high. The question everyone is asking, “Who is to blame?”

 

Here is the issue I have using the word, blame; it implies intent. So ultimately the argument for this entire situation is, “Who started it?” and “Let’s get even.”

 

My opinion for the Black Lives Matter campaign is based off actions and research.

 

Given what I have seen and read, I do not agree with this “movement” at all.

 

 

I am a daughter of a police officer.

 

For those who do not carry this burden, let me tell you what a typical day growing up entailed.

 

My father worked one of the most dangerous shifts: 10pm to 10am. Typically when you, your husband/wife, mother/father, son/daughter, cousin, neighbor, everyone is peacefully sleeping, my dad fought to keep you safe.

 

A bruise horrifically black, enveloping his skin around his side, stands as a reminder of what he is to expect tonight. At 8 years old I help him iron his uniform and watch as he began to tighten the straps on his bulletproof vest. It weighs more than my backpack for school, I wondered if it felt annoying at times.

 

While watching him pull out of the driveway, my mom reminds me it is time for bed. 15 minutes later I continued to toss and turn. Something doesn’t feel right. I crawl to my desk and scribble a note for my dad. We had a system. Since he worked nights I often didn’t see him especially during the day when he slept. I would leave a small note next to his locker, and in the morning, I would see one he left for me. After I crept back to my room, I nestled next to the window facing the front of the house. I waited. 11:45pm, he basically just left, but I’m not too tired. Maybe he’ll be home early tonight.

 

This was my entire childhood.

 

You know the feeling, when you’re about to do something terrifying and it feels your stomach has somehow relocated to your throat? It’s almost as if you hold your breath and everything begins to move in slow motion until it’s over.

 

Every day, my mom and I felt as if we were holding our breath.

 

Watching the tolls this life-threatening job continued to make on my dad both physically (bruises and scars), mentally and emotionally (attending funerals for coworkers who had quickly become friends), continue to make an impact on my family today.

 

When you spend Christmas Day waking up at 4am to hug your dad goodbye because deep down you understand, this could be the last time you see him again; then you have the right to comment on the situations occurring today.

 

When your father comes home with bruises twice the size of your hands, broken bones (HE CONTINUED TO WORK WITH), and tears in his eyes because he lost a friend in is unit; then you have the right to comment.

 

Supporting our men and women in blue, does not make me a racist.

Stating I disagree with Black Lives Matter, does not make me a racist.

 

70% of my friends are who many in society deem as “Black”. I care deeply about each and every one of them.

 

However, this stand of Black Lives Matter? No, ALL Lives Matter.

 

I do not believe in discriminating any individual due to their ethnicity and/or socioeconomic background.

 

Inside, despite however we appear on the inside, we are all the same. It may sound stupid, but honestly, you have a heart and a brain. Well, guess what, I do to.

 

People make mistakes. As a child my mom continuously told me, “do not touch the stove, it’s hot”. One day I touched it anyway. Heck ya it hurt. I got a scar from it. But I learned my lesson and never touched it again.

 

Making mistakes often leaves scars. But they stand as reminders showing what you’ve been through and how you can learn from it.

 

You make mistakes. I make mistakes. Pastors make mistakes. Police officers make mistakes.

 

No one is perfect.

 

I agree individuals such as pastors and police officers should be held to a higher standard, but what has been occurring in our world today is honestly disgusting.

 

In elementary school, if someone pushed you, you pushed them back. The common excuse? “He did it first!” As adults, guess what? It appears we never grew up. Instead of pushing a classmate off a swing we are KILLING people.

 

Wake up.

 

This isn’t Call of Duty.

 

You can’t just hit restart.

 

These are lives that are being lost.

 

8 year old daughters sleeping at a window waiting for their dad/mom.

 

Wives kissing their husband goodbye on Christmas Day wondering if they will see them at the dinner table.

 

Yes, lives have been lost at both ends. But guess what? ALL. LIVES. MATTER.

 

Not just yours.

 

It is a sick, twisted, entitled, childlike mentality.

 

I agree many officers have in fact abused their badge. It is a sad reality. We do not live in a perfect world. However, to blatantly attack those who stand between your family and a predator on a daily basis is revolting.

 

I can promise you, they don’t do this for the pay.

 

If you knew the amount of physical, emotional, mental stress this places on our officers on a minute-by-minute basis, the pay doesn’t even begin to cover it.

 

My father has bought meals for the homeless, shoes for barefoot families who walked outside a store at night because they couldn’t afford it; the list goes on and on.

 

As a kid I waited for my dad to come home. As a college student living dozens of hours away, I call regularly, just to make sure he made it home alive.

 

When it is your birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, you have to spend worrying if it is your family’s turn to hear that knock on the door, then you will finally understand what we go through.

 

Black Lives Matter?

 

No.

 

Your life matters.

 

My life matters.

 

His life matters.

 

Her life matters.

 

We. All. Matter.

New Beginnings: Moving On, Journal 1

New beginnings.

 

They’re amazing but completely and utterly terrifying at the same time.

 

How many times have we seen it in movies (or even in our lives today) where some wish for a time machine, or a fresh start? Some song lyrics even express wanting to go somewhere no one knows their name. How often is it someone is granted that opportunity?

 

To start fresh.

 

As easy as it sounds, to just pack up and go far far away, it truly isn’t.

 

As much as starting completely over sounds like the ultimate prize, your past can often follow you to your new destination. It’s easy to try to keep it packed up and hidden, cause I mean—let’s think about it—no one wants to start new, with their past still looming over head.

 

However, packing it up and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t solve anything. If anything it makes it so much harder to deal with in the future.

 

So here’s the deal.

 

How often do you let your past dictate your future?

 

How often do you let people control how you feel?

 

I’ll admit to this 100%, during my fresh start (my “do-over”) I allowed people, past experiences, and even myself, to affect the quality of life I believed I deserved.

 

However, there is beautiful news.

 

You don’t have to live that way.

 

See, we serve a wonderful, merciful, forgiving, powerful God. He can honestly take that crappy past you’ve been hiding in the corner of your closet, and turn it into something completely beautiful.

 

When people hear my testimony, I often hear “God never gives you more than you can handle”.

 

As much as we’d like to believe that is true, it isn’t.

 

If we were given exactly what we could handle, nothing more, nothing less, then what would we need God for?

 

Those times where you are completely, 100% drained and have absolutely no strength left, is often the time when many turn to God for the strength they no longer have.

 

I’ve been learning that as much as the past may flat out suck. It hurts. It eats you alive. You wreck your brain over it. God grants us little “do-overs”. A chance to finally stop hiding everything in your closet and pretend it doesn’t exist, but to give it to Him and stop allowing it to consume you.

 

Fresh starts are a beautiful thing.

 

But the best part is what God can do from it.

Limitless

“No matter how much it hurts, don’t let him see you cry.”

 

As much as I would love to believe I had found my “happily ever after”, reality hit real quick.

 

I was in a relationship for over a year. He was my first. While people throw their version of advice like, “your first isn’t meant to be your last,” and “obviously it’s going to hurt but you have to get over it,” it isn’t that simple.

 

I was raised that, everything you do is done with intention. You don’t say things just to say them. You have intention behind each syllable. Most importantly, you don’t date just because you can. You date with the intention to pursue a future with that individual.

 

I’d like to think I started off with a semi-clear intention. But ultimately, I was scared. I mean, I really really REALLY liked him. And I thought, maybe, if I wait too long someone prettier, funnier, skinnier, or just all around better would have him. In my rush, I made the mistake of making him first my boyfriend, before he was my best friend.

 

Weeks turned into months and in addition to being my super attractive boyfriend, he quickly turned into my absolute best friend.

 

We just… clicked.

 

But in my rush to ensure I wouldn’t miss this opportunity, I found everything I would ever do, I did with the intention to please him. I wanted to impress him. Make him proud to show me off. I wanted us to be The Exception. While everyone continued to say it wasn’t going to last forever, I desperately wanted to believe they were just stupid and didn’t know what they were talking about.

 

We had plans.

 

We had big dreams together; a life we were so excited about creating. He promised me we would get married. And I believed him.

 

Through each fight, argument, and just flat out chaos I held on to the hope that this was all going to be worth it. After all—

 

He promised me.

 

But life happened.

 

I don’t want to make this a depressing story about my break-up. Rather about the goodness, grace, and love of God when it is most desperately needed.

 

I won’t go into details about how it all came to pass, but deep down I knew we weren’t going to last much longer. Each fight hurt less. Each promise continued to feel emptier. Each word purposely intended to cause hurt and pain, slowly began to make me feel completely numb.

 

I began drifting away from my family.

 

I began ignoring my friends.

 

I began rejecting God.

 

And through it all, I became consumed with the idea of still being his perfect girl.

 

We started dating when I was 18. He was my first kiss. While people like to say it’s normal to kiss just about anyone with a set of lips, that was something that was extremely important to me. I don’t mean to say I regret it but I spent many hours wishing I could change where I have ended up today.

 

An adult I trust, value, and love very much told me a few months before the break-up to watch out. She said, there could be a time where God puts you in a situation to pull you away from things, but don’t make the mistake of running back and chasing it! God has a better plan.

 

After the break-up, I admit… I was conflicted. I didn’t want to go home out of fear of being sucked back into the same stupid cycle we had been playing for months. Good day-> tiptoe around each other-> fight-> don’t see each other for weeks-> make-up-> and do it all over again. But at the same time I was holding on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, this would be the driving force that could change everything. Maybe if he just thought I was leaving it would give him initiative to begin building a future and driving him to change the things that hurt me the most. Maybe if I at least just tried staying here a little longer, I could get my crap together and we would get back together and voila! World peace.

 

But as God had planned it, things came about very differently.

 

This time, I chose to take the advice and pull away. I wasn’t going to chase after what clearly wasn’t right. I was going to do whatever it was God wanted me to do, no matter how extremely painful it may feel… but being the typical obnoxious teenager I made a set of “conditions” for God. Boy, did He answer.

 

I told Him if He truly had something He wanted me to do here, to open a door for me to stay. Within hours, I was accepted to a university that normally takes 4-6 weeks to even process an application (and with more than enough scholarships).

 

Then, I told Him if He truly wanted me to stay, to open an opportunity for a dorm I would feel comfortable with. 15 minutes later I found myself a room and really sweet roommates.

 

After, I told Him if He really called me here, to offer me an opportunity to heal. That very second I finished praying, I unexpectedly met a grad student who shared a story very similar to mine; and after talking for well over an hour she not only hugged and prayed for me, but she even referenced personal resources on campus I struggled with accessing back home.

 

Finally I told Him if He truly wanted me to continue my time here, to give me friends. That night I ran into a friend I had met in middle school, who just so happens to literally be down the hall.

 

Door after door kept opening. Opportunities, friendships, love, support, constant continual confirmation He has me where he wants me.

 

It all just fell into place.

 

This morning in my devotions I read Exodus 33:14

“My presence will go with you. I’ll see the journey to the end.”

 

I’m not going to pretend I’m not still hurting.

 

I’m not going to pretend I don’t miss every little bit of home.

 

I’m not going to pretend I don’t wish I could still have my best friend in my life.

 

But I know God has bigger plans than what I could make-up on my own.

 

During RU orientation one of the speakers said some things that truly stuck out. He said this new journey was going to stretch us. Not just academically, but in our spiritual life as well as our personal relationships. But God called each and every one of us here for a very specific reason. I know He put me through that situation and through this university because He has something MUCH BIGGGER in mind.

 

I’ve struggled with trying to be that perfect girl. Changed my clothes, my hair, my makeup, the whole 9 yards… just to make a guy want me. Just to have those split 3-5 seconds of feeling somewhat desirable. When in reality, I was always wanted by someone whose love has no limits.

 

God puts you through things that are going to stretch you. It’s going to suck. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to make you want to run back to the one place you feel is your safest option. But He calls us BEYOND that. He calls us to grow in Him. To put your relationship with Him ABOVE the rest. In order to grow, you have to be uncomfortable. But He promises to be with you throughout it all.

 

Before my break-up I had read a specific book that impacted the way I prayed. In the story, the character asked God, “break me until I’m wholly yours”. From there on, I had started praying that same prayer. Each day I continued to break more and more. My actions, my decisions, every aspect of my life began to shatter; till I reached the point where I was completely broken and felt completely hopeless.

 

But there is beauty found in that moment of complete brokenness.

 

You can’t be wholly God’s if your heart isn’t in the right place.

 

No one can fix you. No person can make all your problems go away. In order to pursue the calling and the life God set apart for you, you have to be wholly His. Every inch of your heart. Every piece of your life. Every single bit.

 

When you find yourself in a place where you are broken, don’t run away and try to fix it yourself,

 

if you run to God you’ll find strength and the opportunities are limitless.

Be My Safety

Safety is a false illusion.

Have you ever been driving and way off in the distance you see a glistening pool of water? But as you finally manage to get closer and closer you realize; there was no water there to begin with? It was all an illusion.

This happens to me almost on a daily basis. Sometimes I like to pretend maybe I am a super hero and this power allows me to see things that used to be there. Or maybe this is just my body’s way of signaling dehydration. Or I simply need to get my eyes re-checked. But for the sake of “intellectual genius” (sarcasm) I will believe it is option two. Mostly because this proves my point and also, it could possibly make logical sense.

Continuing…

Okay, so for argument’s sake, say our body (more specifically our minds) create something you need. So for my personal example, say I’m dehydrated and need water, then POOF! instant water imagery. (This sounded so much better in my head).

This could probably, possibly, be 1234928039480% wrong. But if you kind of think about it, haven’t there been stories of people stranded on islands who experienced “visions” (*cough* psychosis)? So I guess this isn’t too far fetched.

If our minds can signify things we need and give the appearance of something that simply is not there, who is to say we do that subconsciously as well?

Safety and security.

Many homes have alarms. Set the key pad before you go to bed, so if someone slunks into your home in the dead of night, you’ll be the first (not the last) to know. Kind of like an adult security blanket. Except this costs monthly and its…for…well…a house. Prevention is key right?

So what about personal safety? Personal security?

Relationships.

God, I both anticipate and dread speaking about this topic simultaneously it makes my head spin.

Alright, so what if (in our minds) we create “illusions” of things in relationships? (Note: this is often easier to see from the outside-looking-in. Love is blind).

For example: You’re in a relationship and he/she (or even you) hurt the other’s feelings. Long story short, problem is eventually resolved. When asked about it, you may a) tell the truth about how it was resolved (often not likely) or b) exaggerate it…just a tad…cause you’ve never told a lie…and that’s the truth, right?

Anyway, eventually your relationship is rooted on this false belief. The belief that, hey if I really think he/she (or even I) can work that out, the way we did, we’re set!

I cannot even begin to tell you how badly that hurts my heart.

I have seen, and unfortunately done, that same thing. Problem? Fix it. Someone asks? Talk it up. You don’t want them to think poorly of you or your significant other, correct?

But what does that do for a relationship? I mean think about it. Isn’t that simply making excuses for him/her (or even you)?

In all 19 years (I almost said 17… how awkward…) years of my existence, I have never come across something so freaking difficult, and complex, then working with a relationship. Before entering my own relationship, I would listen and watch and often envy my friends who seemed to just “get it”. Relationships and them just kinda… clicked. Problems? They were fixed in an hour. (For some.) I thought, hey well I can do that too! But I didn’t really think about the specifics that go along with it.

See before you enter into a relationship, there are things that need to be handled with personally (Refer to previous post about Personal Hierarchy of Needs). The most important, is baggage.

If you’re going on a trip and you’re lugging 2 suitcases, up and down the staircase, right, left, gosh– everywhere; the last thing you want is for dear Aunt Sally to hand you her purse too. Then Fred’s backpack. Or Lucille’s stuffed animal. Your hands would be full!

Relationships are like that.

If you can’t carry your own baggage (past experiences ect.) you will not be readily available to tend to the needs of someone else’s. Baggage is something everyone carries at some point. Some fake it. Some show it and don’t care what you think. But it piles up. If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others.

As much as it’d be great to say in my relationship , I was this God-sent-angel, where heck, I got along with everything and I was perfectly centered and supportive and selfless (another extremely important thing to possess if you’re in or considering to be in a relationship). I was not.

Let’s get even a little more personal for the next 20 seconds. And mom, if you’re reading this. You can stop here. Relationship vulnerability is not how I want to go.

Okay, so in my relationship, I walked in a mess. Complete mess. I can try and justify this and be like: oh, well he was a mess too so I didn’t really care at the time, but the only truth in that was, yeah, I really didn’t think myself through or really care and it didn’t seem to bother me at the time.

I walked in with suitcases. Not like little itty bitty carry on’s. Heck no. I wish! My hands were completely full. Unfinished business from all parts of my life. Problem, they weren’t dealt with. So when the “honey-moon-stage” passed and it got down to it, I was accumulating even more suitcases of my own! When he needed me to be there to help him with his, I couldn’t! I was too busy being selfish trying to sort through mine first! That is quite possibly the most heartbreaking position to ever be in.

If I had simply taken the time to be “selfish” in the beginning, organize my life before jumping into someone else’s, maybe things would have been different.

So in relationships we can say we have all (either done one, or if you’re like me… all) 1) been selfish at the wrong time 2) didn’t really seem to care and/or 3) made excuses for the others.

This is not only unhealthy, but it creates a false sense of security.

Relationships, with the God-anointed intention and pursuit, are made to be a safe place. You both are entitled to feel it. But if you do just step 1, 2, 3, or sadly all… there’s really no basis for that.

So like my (most likely, scientifically false) illustration regarding “seeing the water because I need it eventhough it’s not really there”, in relationships we can sometimes see (or even feel) safety when it’s not really there (often times because we’re being selfish at the wrong time, and we’re not ready and available to hold the hand of the person we love).

Safety is a strange thing.

Just like home-alarms, you may feel secure, but it doesn’t stop a theft from happening. It just makes you feel that way.

In relationships, you may feel safe, but it doesn’t change the fact you didn’t walk in, in a way that would ensure safety. It just makes you feel that way.

It hurts.

Oh God, it hurts.

Looking back and seeing something so beautiful, so completely broken, in a way that could have been saved.

My advice, for anyone who is in a relationship, thinking about it, or just got out of one. Take a moment, and be selfish. Look at your baggage. Those problems, those insecurities, those dreadful stories, those hurtful memories, those haunting words swirling in the back of your mind, are they handled? Are they dealt with?

I say this in love,

Don’t expect someone to fix you.

Just because you may have a boy/girlfriend does not mean all those problems suddenly vanish. In the first stage it may feel that way, but it simply may not be true.

No one (referring to mere mortals) can suddenly take your problems and make them disappear. As fantastic as that sounds, they can’t.

Don’t give someone the responsibility of having to fix you. Having to make you happy all the time. Having to carry your suitcase, while they’re carrying theirs.

Relationships are teamwork, but sometimes you have to be selfish before you can be selfless.